Fixin' It

Me: "If I can't fix it, no one's gonna"
Mom: big sigh..."You are JUST like your father"
This conversation happened a few years ago. I don't remember the problem I had at the time...it could have been anything. Or anyone. Duane, Heather, work, money, life, anything. I just remember feeling that if I couldn't fix my problem, I wasn't going to let anyone else either.
I haven't changed, if any of you are wondering.
And, hey, being JUST like my father is not a bad thing. He's the only man who has stuck by me my whole life, no matter what. I'm sure it wasn't easy. Hell, I know it wasn't. More on that in another post.

Back to fixing things. Unfortunately, in the last few years I have realized...there are some things you just can't fix, no matter what.
Sometimes, i had days where i felt like superwoman. I can change the spark plugs in my car if i have to. I can fix my vacuum cleaner. I have raised a child on my own. And during all this i worked. i started at the bottom and have worked my way up to where i am now. That may not be some peoples version of superwoman...but the chick on the tv show only had to stay skinny to look good in the suit, and she had stunt doubles. So I got her beat.
But....
I can't fix the way other people choose to live their life. I couldn't fix my husband. I tried. Man..I tried. Lost a lot during that period. Mostly a lot of myself. And the biggest damn TV you ever saw. I miss that tv. thank god I'm better at divorce than i am at marriage...got some back. heh heh. You hear sometimes that love can fix stuff. When yours can't you definitely feel like less of a person somehow. You sure as hell don't feel like superwoman. I couldn't fix him, but that's something I can and did get over.
This I can't get over. I can't fix someone else's broken heart. I can't take away the pain. I struggle with this every day. When it comes to my family and the people that I love, it just comes down to this. I want to protect them, make them happy, fix whatever is hurting them and I can't. For some reason, I feel like I SHOULD be able to do all of this. I SHOULD be able to have an answer, a solution, a reason. I SHOULD have whatever it takes to make it right again. I don't know why I feel like I should have all these powers, I'm not, ummm...you know...that GUY. So during the moments when I remember I can't fix all this stuff, I just feel, useless.

That's the fixin it (or not) lesson. Sucks, don't it?

There are little bright moments though. Evil Vicky and her smug husband were NOT the biggest losers and went home empty handed. Some things at least, turn out right.