Here's today's lesson boys and girls, friends and family.
When you have had a very long day at work, and you are driving home through a blizard, and you stop at the store because you need something for dinner and you want a gigantanormous cheeseburger....make SURE the the package you pick up says ground BEEF, not ground PORK. And maybe you want to check said package BEFORE you make the patties and start cooking them, not grabbing the wrapper out of the garbage AFTER the things are halfway cooked because you know SOMETHING is weird.
Pork burgers..or porkers as heather now calls them, are not all that great. Drown them in whatever you want...they are not anything like a CHEESEBURGER!! You can put them in a hamburger bun and eat them with barbeque chips, and tell yourself the whole time that its a cheeseburger, but it just doesn't cut it. Yes...I ate it, but I was starving and there was nothing else in the house.
There's today's cooking lesson from yours truly.
Have a nice day.

Fixin' It

Me: "If I can't fix it, no one's gonna"
Mom: big sigh..."You are JUST like your father"
This conversation happened a few years ago. I don't remember the problem I had at the time...it could have been anything. Or anyone. Duane, Heather, work, money, life, anything. I just remember feeling that if I couldn't fix my problem, I wasn't going to let anyone else either.
I haven't changed, if any of you are wondering.
And, hey, being JUST like my father is not a bad thing. He's the only man who has stuck by me my whole life, no matter what. I'm sure it wasn't easy. Hell, I know it wasn't. More on that in another post.

Back to fixing things. Unfortunately, in the last few years I have realized...there are some things you just can't fix, no matter what.
Sometimes, i had days where i felt like superwoman. I can change the spark plugs in my car if i have to. I can fix my vacuum cleaner. I have raised a child on my own. And during all this i worked. i started at the bottom and have worked my way up to where i am now. That may not be some peoples version of superwoman...but the chick on the tv show only had to stay skinny to look good in the suit, and she had stunt doubles. So I got her beat.
But....
I can't fix the way other people choose to live their life. I couldn't fix my husband. I tried. Man..I tried. Lost a lot during that period. Mostly a lot of myself. And the biggest damn TV you ever saw. I miss that tv. thank god I'm better at divorce than i am at marriage...got some back. heh heh. You hear sometimes that love can fix stuff. When yours can't you definitely feel like less of a person somehow. You sure as hell don't feel like superwoman. I couldn't fix him, but that's something I can and did get over.
This I can't get over. I can't fix someone else's broken heart. I can't take away the pain. I struggle with this every day. When it comes to my family and the people that I love, it just comes down to this. I want to protect them, make them happy, fix whatever is hurting them and I can't. For some reason, I feel like I SHOULD be able to do all of this. I SHOULD be able to have an answer, a solution, a reason. I SHOULD have whatever it takes to make it right again. I don't know why I feel like I should have all these powers, I'm not, ummm...you know...that GUY. So during the moments when I remember I can't fix all this stuff, I just feel, useless.

That's the fixin it (or not) lesson. Sucks, don't it?

There are little bright moments though. Evil Vicky and her smug husband were NOT the biggest losers and went home empty handed. Some things at least, turn out right.

Gifts

"Sometimes the gifts we are given are not the ones we ask for. The important thing is what we do with the gifts we are given."

Yup...not being able to do much the last few days has forced me to watch stupid sappy Christmas movies on some woman's channel. I know...i could change the channel, but i am horribly fascinated by the impossibly, unbelievably sweet happy endings. OK....and i like to make fun of them. Whatever.

Anyway.

So one line in a movie started me thinking about all the gifts i have in my life.
Wonderful parents, who were willing to come here for thanksgiving so that Heather and I wouldn't be alone. At least until I told her she would have to cook the whole thing. I kid...I told them to stay home. Heather and I being alone is a misconception. We aren't alone as long as we have each other, and all of you. A mother who would come all the way here to be in the hospital with me, and a father who would call in the afternoon to find out how i am. Even though he tried to disguise it as a when are you coming home call. I heard her answer your question about how i was before she told you when she was coming home. You've been busted.
Sisters...I have three. three of the most beautiful, caring, supportive and amazing women anyone will ever meet. No one could ask for better ones.
Friends. Friends who keep the laughter in my life. OK...so making up stories about whats gonna happen while I'm under the knife may be pushing it. Or making the suggestion that i should get a tattoo while I'm there. However...some of the suggestions for that tattoo were pretty damn funny. I won't mention them here...its a family blog.
You are all my family...and i know, and am eternally grateful for that gift. I didn't ask for a damn one of you...but your were given to me anyway...and you're stuck with me.
Strength. the strength to deal with awful, painful, yucky things being done to your special places in order to make something wrong right. keep your fingers crossed on that one..i won't know for a few months. If it didn't work...THAT useless piece of my body will be removed. Even if i have to do it myself. Today is the first day i have not slept all day. that i haven't been in too much pain. that i actually didn't look or feel like i was on the edge of death. that i felt good enough to leave my house for the first time since Wednesday.
Knowledge. the next time a medical professional tells me i will have a one day recovery period...i will know enough to smack them. hard.
Percoset. The guy that invented that needs his own national holiday. With parades and fireworks. he deserves the Nobel Peace Prize. I love that guy. He has replaced Toby as my next husband.
Heather. My daughter is the greatest gift i have ever gotten. You all know her..but do you know all the gifts she has and shares with me? Imagination..."i thought they were gonna do this thing with a blow torch or something". Curiosity. She told me she raised her hand in biology and said "my mother is getting her uterus fried tomorrow. how do they actually do that?" she assures me that she didn't really do that, but I'm not sure i believe her. Humor. I yelled at her the other day (i was a little cranky) and she looked at me and said "fried uterus on the edge!" That kid is soooooooooo funny. I think she gets that from me. Caring. she made me dinner, without being asked. went to the store without complaining. suggested a heating pad to try to ease the pain. Love....she sat and just held my hand when the pain was the worst. checked my forehead for fever while i was sleeping. Her voice. She has an absolutely beautiful singing voice, that i love to hear coming out of her room. I have been listening to her practice Silent Night day and night, wait till you hear it. It might bring tears to your eyes. My daughter. My beautiful daughter who will be 12 already (she CANT be any older than that) in just a few short days...Happy Birthday Heather. I love you.

I have been given many many gifts in my life. Most I know what to do with, a few I don't, but I will learn. Because I can.

Here is the lesson I learned this weekend.
If something does not involve me....I will not get myself involved.
If I am involved in something right now that does not directly affect me, I am getting un-involved. Immediatly.
Not a very nice post, I know. But it wasn't a very nice sunday night either. One that has ended with me being angry and my daughter being upset because she was accused of something SHE DID NOT DO.
I am not a perfect person. I make mistakes. I am trying to live my life with more happiness, more peace, more caring, and yes, more heart. What there is left of it anyway.
Tonight I have learned this lesson. I do not always handle things the way they should be handled. Hell, 9 times out of 10, I'll screw it up. So, if you need me...tell me. and then tell me exactly what it is that you need me to do. Because if you don't, I will find a way to screw it up and only end up hurting both of us. It isn't intentional. I'm pretty sure it's because I have lived most of my life trying to convince people (and yes, myself) that nothing bothers me. That i am strong enough not to need anyone else. that i can handle almost everything alone. I don't know why i've done this and i dont care. it is what it is. But...I am pretty sure it has prevented me from learning what the right thing to do is in some situations. I don't seem to know anything about those "politically correct" people skills most people have, because i would very rarely let anyone behind the wall to learn from them. and i dont expect to have them any time soon.
So for now...I'm gonna keep my head down and my mouth shut, because really, I don't have the strength right now to do anything different.

Love

First, i'm gonna start this off by telling the Blog Sheriff and all his friends that I really can only do this once a week. Can't update everynight...it takes too much out of me. Besides...endless talking is not condusive to blogging. (just kiddin Boo)
So...as i am approaching 40, I have found myself wondering about Love. Sometimes I wake up in the morning surprised, thinking What the Hell? Why am I alone in this bed? Little girls do not grow up dreaming of being single, with almost grown up kids...wondering what the hell they are going to do with their lives when the kids do finish growing up and go away.
So, ok, life doesn't always turn out the way we think it's going to when we are kids.
I have learned that I don't need a man around to survive...most of the things i would need a man around for i can do myself. You know, take the garbage out, change lightbulbs, fix the vaccuum cleaner. I don't need a man around in order to be happy, I'm pretty sure I am happier without one around. I certainly don't need one around to feel safe. Granted, when it comes to choosing a man from the big pool of life, I apparently tend to pick from the shallow end, and that's my mistake. I've learned that lesson and am going to stay out of the pool from now on. That is not giving up hope, really, I look at it as facing reality. Some of you won't agree with that i'm sure. you have a right to your opinions.
So...all of this begs the question..have I ever really been IN LOVE?? I like to think yes. I like to think that I wouldn't have married either of the dumbasses from the shallow end if I hadn't been. So, then, has anyone ever really been in love with me? Gotta think no. Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, I know...no one can love you if you don't love yourself, blah blah blah. Kiss my ass. I'm not a bad person and maybe I may be difficult to love but it's not freakin impossible. I mean really, is it?
don't anyone answer that question I prefer to remain in the dark.
So here's what i've learned. Some people are going to go thru life not feeling that all consuming, can't live without her, i want to spend the rest of my life (not 7 months or 3 years) with her kind of love from someone else. And that is ok. I think that's what I need you guys to know. I'm ok with this. I might get lonely once in a while, or maybe wonder what it would have been like, maybe even get pissed off about it sometimes, but i'm not gonna kill myself over it. Yes, it's sad, but i'm really ok. I'm pretty happy most of the time. No one can be happy every second. Shit happens.
And besides, if I ever even thought about getting married again...the only man I would ever marry is Toby Keith. He's unavailable, but damn he's cute.
So there you go...what's going thru JoAnn's head this weekend.

Weekends

Spending as much time alone as I do on weekends gives me alot of time to think. I decided to start a blog, which I have been thinking about for a long time.
I have learned a lot of lessons in the past four years or so. More, I think, than in the 35 years before that. Some are sad, some are funny, some are just so sad they end up funny.
This blog is for me. One of the lessons I have learned recently is that I tend to keep everything to myself. (Big surprise) My last counselor (in a long and blurry line of them) told me I HAD to get this stuff out. She was right. I started just dumping things that were on my mind into e-mails and sending them to friends (the best ones in the world by the way) or family.
I always got responses. Sometimes it may only have been, I hear you, and sometimes I got different opinions, making me think even more about what I had said. What ever the response was or wasn't, I felt a kind of release, knowing that someone was hearing me. Knowing that I wasn't alone. I can't always SAY what I feel, but I can write it. And most of what I have to say right now is in the form of experiences and the LESSONS I have learned from them.

So here we go...
This is the one that keeps going thru my head, day after day, week after week.
Last April I was at mom and dad's for the weekend. The ice was going out at that time and I spent an amazing amount of time on the deck watching it. ???? Who in their right mind watches ice float by for hours on end? I remember thinking the whole time while I was watching that ice. About my mother, my daughter, my sister, my life...and underneath all those things was WHY? WHY am I watching this stupid ice go by?
It wasn't until I was on my way home that I think I figured it out.
Every year, no matter what, that lake is going to freeze, and then it's going to thaw, and chunks of ice are going to go by.
Every year. No matter what.
It doesn't matter what I am doing. I could change jobs, my daughter could grow up and leave, I could decide to start dating, I could move.
But, no matter what, LIFE is going to go on. LIFE is going to happen. LIFE is not going to wait for me to figure it all out.
Yes, that is the lesson I learned from the lake. Weird as it may sound. I also learned this...I am missing it. I get up every day and go to work, then I come home, eat dinner watch TV, listen to my beautiful daughter talk endlessly and go to bed. Then I get up and do it again. Weekends are spent waiting for Monday so I can get back to work and my routine. Life is going by...and I'm missing it.