Turning 39 (ish)

Today is the day that I will attempt to explain something that absolutely NO ONE understands about me. I don't know why, I just feel the need.


I suppose there comes a time in every one's life when they wake up one day and realize how old they are getting. This is probably not so bad for some people.
For me, it SUCKED. And still does.
Since the day I realized what would happen this year, I have been plagued by regrets, questions and fears.
Whenever my birthday was brought up, I would get tears in my eyes and practically beg people to just ignore it this year. OK, maybe beg isn't the right word, threaten is probably more like it. Let's move on.
Most people did honor my request, and I appreciate that. Some didn't, and someday I'll get over that. Yup...I said someday. I was able to ignore my birthday this year for the most part, just pretend it was another day. It was the way I chose to deal with it, right or wrong. Saying happy birthday to me after I asked for it to be ignored was like a knife in my heart, and just one more item to add to my list of things I didn't accomplish by the time I turned....this age.
And for god's sake...don't anyone get all insulted and think I am calling them old because they are 40 or older...it has nothing to do with you...It's an age that I am stuck on for some reason.

So, for a month or so before my birthday, asking for it to be ignored was hell. Why? Because I heard things like "that's stupid" and "get over it" and "let it go" and my personal favorite "it's gonna happen whether you like it or not so suck it up and deal with it" HELLO?!? Is this how you deal with people who are obviously very upset by something, or is it just ME? OK, so maybe the people who said these things to me didn't mean to hurt, they just didn't understand.

So, here is every one's chance to understand. Remember, understanding is different from agreeing, keep that in mind.

As I said, I realized how old I would be this year and started asking myself what I had accomplished so far in my life. What had I done?
The answer to both of these questions in my mind was...FAIL.
At pretty much everything.
Marriage - fail..twice for god's sake. The choices I made were BAD!!!
Job - I do have a good one, but is it a career? no...fail
Credit - bad, again a result of bad choices - fail
Health - bad fail
Weight loss - i was doing very well at that one the last time i tried, but some guy told me i was a beautiful woman, ugh, i was flattered at first then i remembered the bad choices i make in men, didn't trust myself and went home and ate a cheesecake. It was all downhill from there. fail
Home - i have a great apartment, but is it mine? No, it's someone else's home. fail
Respect - at work, yes. Career or not, I am good at what I do. People respect that. Otherwise? It's a question I honestly don't know the answer to.
Next to my mother and my sisters, I feel like...nothing. Am I as good, giving and loving as them?
Oh god no. They definitely have me beat on that one. I realize this doesn't necessarily make me a bad person. Just different. Still, I feel that I have failed at some of the more important things in life. I have tried, in my own way I guess, to get closer to my sisters recently, but I'm pretty sure that all went to hell last week. Duck tape on my mouth is probably the answer to that problem.
When I was younger, I wanted to be just like my father when I grew up. In my eyes he was successful, strong, responsible. He was, and still is, my role model. He, and my mother, made a life for us. It wasn't always perfect, but it was good. He and my mother have accomplished so much. Theirs is an achievement I don't think I can accomplish.
There is one thing I have not failed on. I have raised a beautiful, caring, smart, funny and strong daughter who will make her way in this world because of the way I have raised her. I didn't always do it right, and I made more than my share of mistakes, but she has grown up beautifully. I will never stop worrying about her, and wondering if I have taught her everything she needs to know, but will listen to my own mother when she tells me she will be fine.

Heather has been my reason for living, working and being for the last 18 years. She has been my purpose. She is growing up and I have to figure out a way to let go.

That scares the shit out of me.

What will my purpose be now? I look back at my bad choices, mistakes and failures and then I look forward. To what? I see a lonely life, living alone, eating alone, sleeping alone. Being alone. Well, except for the 20 cats I'll sneak into my apartment. I know I still have a few years, she needs to finish school first before she goes and starts her own life. But as I have realized, those years will go by in a minute. I know, you will all still be there for me, but will I see you every day? Will you talk my ear off when I walk in the door after work? Will I hear you belting out a song from the other room at any given moment? No. And that's as it should be. We all grow up and move on.

And I suppose I will too, I just don't know where I will go. But one thing is for sure...I'm bringing the damn cheesecake with me.